Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
